Ready to run.

This is me breathing easy.. Ahhh. Finally.

Why you ask? Because I'm in love.................... with Jesus!

And nothing is going to bring me down now. Got a new song written, people cry when I sing it. Its God. Got some bad things in my life, but I'm still happy. It's God. Able to stand up and speak out. Its God.

And most of all, Im ready to record, to sing my music for the world. And when I make it, when I touch people's hearts, I know it will be God.

So who's coming with me? Let's make this world a difference place because God makes a difference in our lives.

Dump it on me..

Ha ha ha ha..
Just had to laugh at God's funny ways..

Ya know Im finding that when it all starts to go good and you feel like you got life figured you find out that you really know nothing.. Do i sound a bit discouraged? frustrated? confused? like running?

You bet.

Friends can ditch you, guys can say they don't love you back, your home life is crap, but the thing that will get you the most is when God points out that one area that was shoved back in the corner of your heart. The place you hoped you would never have to touch. And its the most sensitive.

Then when something comes up that you dont want to deal with, the other problems escalate it. And you break down. You cry because you don't know what to do other than to pray to God and trust that He takes it all. Even then, you just want to control the situation and try to put a band-aid on it. Alot of the times I try to talk it out with friends. But it never fixes the problem.

Sometimes I just want to run. I know it wont erase the past, but it makes the future brighter. There is a place I want to go. I know the family loves me, and I would be living with my best friend. In complete honesty the only thing holding me back from picking up and going is not having a source of income there to pay a cell phone bill. Maybe it would be a good challenge to see if I could go without a cell phone until I found a job. This place is like a second home, I'm so comfortable because its just filled with the love of God. And the amount that I would grow at that place is indescribable.

Overwhelmed. I guess thats the final description I will use for this crazyness. When all these emotions collide it would cause any normal person to go insane. But what I'm realizing is that I'm not like any other person. I am set apart, made special by God. I think that alot of the things that I have thought as just a part of life are actually a part of God's plan for my life. Like this vioce I have when I sing. I know it has the power to make people cry, and I'm still slightly afraid to use it because I don't want to see me cause anyone pain. Maybe they cry because the beauty of it.. I dont know. Now it really sounds like I'm boasting.. thats not my point. What I am trying to say.. trying.. is that I am amazed now with things that I thought were insignificant in the past.

This singing predicament is a whole other thing on my mind. It feels like the more comfortable I get with singing in front of people, the better it gets! I can only credit that to God for blessing me. But how am I supposed to use it? I mean now I am singing in church, writing my own songs. But where do I go? I have a friend who wants to record me, but then what would I do with it?

So many questions and the only anwers I'm getting seem to come from my head. Why is it I feel like I cant hear God talking? I mean I pray and I worship and I try to listen but still no signs, visions, prophecies. Maybe my heart is just to cluttered with junk.

I am making my goal to rearrange priorities in my life. Get things straightened out, and purify my heart so that I am open to hearing God.

Wow, this was a long rant/explanation/ whatever you would call this. I guess things just make sense to you when you get it out. Its bedtime. Typing all this out put me in a really good mood. I should do this more often.

Ha ha ha.. I love God.

Photoshop 101

So Ive recently gone one a phot taking spree. I realized that I absolutely love to take pictures. The world that God created is just so breathtaking. Even in this small town I am confined to (until I aquire a vehicle) there are so many awesome spots to take pictures. There are definately more to come. I want to go out with my friends and take some pretty sweet fall pics. That means you Sarah and Sammie.

Please Don't Stop the Music

Music is my life. Everything I do seems to involve music.

I play sing and play guitar, and have a wide collection of songs written. Recently my amazement with God has grown.

Within the past month, I have had songs, both music and lyrics, just come to me in an instant. I don't have to think about what sounds good with what or what rhymes or what have you, it just happens. This is beyond my ability alone to write songs at such a level. I know its God.

This just encourages me that one day I can become a musician. The only thing is I am afraid to sing in front of people. Sometimes I muster up the courage and when I do they always compliment me. But I just don't have the confidence. Maybe it comes with practice. I know when I am pushed and pushed I will sing, but why can't I just do it. I know I can.

I guess what I am saying is that I need the pushing. I need the people around me to continue asking me to sing so I will become comfortable. In the end all I want is to accomplish my dreams.

Slowing Down the Pace

I must have figured that life is unworthy to be blogged unless there is some significant event occuring because I have just been failing to blog. I could say I was caught up with school work but that is a lie. Not that I am failing to do my school work, its just easy. Some things in life however are not that easy to deal with.

Im in a confused state. I say that now as an explanation as to why some of this might not make sense. You see, a rash of heart effecting events have taken place and I have somehow misplaced my sanity. Not that I am going crazy, just that I am not reacting in the proper ways. For instance, I have recently been the victim of theft, approximately $350 worth. I really don't care if the wrongdoer gets in trouble, as long as I have my items returned to me. I do not see any problems with this decision. Those around me however have managed to become more upset about the situation than I have, which makes me question whether or not I am a pushover. I don't think I am letting this guy get off the hook because he will somehow have to return to me the items or the monetary value of them. I have been told, however, that the police should have been involved immediately and he should be charged. I just want my stuff back, plain and simple. Maybe I just have to good a heart, if that is possible.

A great friend once said that holding on to anger is like burning down your house to kill a rat. In explanation, anger only destroys and effects you.

I had a choice.

I could have been angry with this guy (which I was in the moment but I dealt with the emotion and let it go) or I could take the neccesary steps to have my things returned and then keep living life. The things I lost are not going to kill me. I will live without them. It is a disappointment to see the things I worked hard to by gone just like that, but I can always buy them again.

I guess this was more of a ranting of my questions and feelings, but hopefully it got across the message that things like this just arent worth holding on to. I have to consider my questions about who I am. Good night.

Chasing after the moon

Do you ever get so overwhelmed you just want to run? Sometimes my mind goes and goes and doesn't want to stop. I think, alot, about practically everything that goes in my life. Often times Im reflecting on the way I interacted with others, and what was said to me.

This was the case several nights ago. I had so many people telling me so many things and I had to choose what was true and what was just blabber. 10 at night and I was still feeling down, knowing that I needed to just let words that were said go, because truth is not spoken all the time. Finally I decided that I had to go. I had to be in a different place then here, somewhere, anywhere. I put on sweat pants and a hoodie, grabbed my i-pod and cellular, and left. I didn't know where I was going, or when I'd be back but I went. Then I decided that while I was out I might as well get in some fitness to boost up the lack of self-confidence. If Im not right on the inside, at least I'll look good on the outside right? Wrong. I dont care what I look like. I mean ya I try to look presentable but if someone doesn't like the way I did my hair, to bad its just me. If I cared would that help the esteem? Probably not, because no matter how many times I'm told I'm cute, or pretty, or whatever, it just doesn't sink in til a person believes it on the inside.

So if the inside is what counts, why do so many ignore what their heart is saying? There are things, issues, hurts, emotions, hate, doubts, all these emotions that are building walls up around the heart and yet people think they can keep on living. How? I mean if I held on to every single thing that was said and done to me nobody would want to be around. So just let it go. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the grudges, all negativity. Just get over it because your only helping yourself to feel better.

I don't want to live my life in a negative world. We can't help what goes on around us, things like aids, famine, abuse, suicides...but we have entire control over the inside of us. Once your heart belongs to God, then you need to watch and keep it. Guard your heart when negative and untrue things are being spoken to you. People are going to try to bring you down, its life. Use their "suggestions" to build yourself. Take the emotions that it made you feel, (anger, hate, hurt, lower self-confidence, and many more) and put them into something. Write a song, a poem, do something with it. Don't hold on to it, get it out, then let it go.

Think about all the things you hold on to emotionally. If they were actually tangible objects, we would be carrying a very heavy load. All these things are jammed into one heart, our own. If its stuffed full of the bad, where will Jesus fit? Make room for God, He is the only one who can change your life. And whenever God is involved, its going to be greater, bigger, better.

I jogged. Far. Out to the country where no one could hear or see me. And I screamed. I screamed all the things I was holding on to. The pain. the breaking points, the times when the closest became the farthest. And I realized that sometimes things just aren't worth keeping in because God wants you to be keeping on. Grieve, mourn, laugh, cry, do whatever you need to do to get through it, then get over it and let it go. I did.

Do you know where your heart is?

Let me just start off by saying AHHH!! Ok..now I feel better.

So much this week went on. I was definately put in check with my heart. It was pointed out to me so graciously that I might be doing the wrong things when it comes to boys. Yes..more boy trouble. This guy that I blogged about before decided to tell me he loves me on the way home from church. What did I say?? Not what he wanted to hear, I'll tell you that for sure. I could hear his fragile little heart cracking. "It's not the time for me, I need to focus on other things right now, we are on two different spirituality levels, I don't want a relationship, and you need to focus on other things like giving your life to Christ instead of looking for love from people"...only a few of the things I told him. In the end I know what I did was right because its true!! I think he understood though, because he later told me that he just wants to keep me as his closest friend rather than keep falling in love. So I guess thats that.

Secondly I realized that I have alot of issues on my own heart that I haven't been dealing with. It's funny because these issues were affecting my life in little ways but I wasn't even noticing. How easily we can lose sight of whats really happening inside of us. Most of these issues stem from a lack of self-confidence. I have a bit of soul searching to do. Ill keep you posted.