Music is my life. Everything I do seems to involve music.
I play sing and play guitar, and have a wide collection of songs written. Recently my amazement with God has grown.
Within the past month, I have had songs, both music and lyrics, just come to me in an instant. I don't have to think about what sounds good with what or what rhymes or what have you, it just happens. This is beyond my ability alone to write songs at such a level. I know its God.
This just encourages me that one day I can become a musician. The only thing is I am afraid to sing in front of people. Sometimes I muster up the courage and when I do they always compliment me. But I just don't have the confidence. Maybe it comes with practice. I know when I am pushed and pushed I will sing, but why can't I just do it. I know I can.
I guess what I am saying is that I need the pushing. I need the people around me to continue asking me to sing so I will become comfortable. In the end all I want is to accomplish my dreams.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Slowing Down the Pace
I must have figured that life is unworthy to be blogged unless there is some significant event occuring because I have just been failing to blog. I could say I was caught up with school work but that is a lie. Not that I am failing to do my school work, its just easy. Some things in life however are not that easy to deal with.
Im in a confused state. I say that now as an explanation as to why some of this might not make sense. You see, a rash of heart effecting events have taken place and I have somehow misplaced my sanity. Not that I am going crazy, just that I am not reacting in the proper ways. For instance, I have recently been the victim of theft, approximately $350 worth. I really don't care if the wrongdoer gets in trouble, as long as I have my items returned to me. I do not see any problems with this decision. Those around me however have managed to become more upset about the situation than I have, which makes me question whether or not I am a pushover. I don't think I am letting this guy get off the hook because he will somehow have to return to me the items or the monetary value of them. I have been told, however, that the police should have been involved immediately and he should be charged. I just want my stuff back, plain and simple. Maybe I just have to good a heart, if that is possible.
A great friend once said that holding on to anger is like burning down your house to kill a rat. In explanation, anger only destroys and effects you.
I had a choice.
I could have been angry with this guy (which I was in the moment but I dealt with the emotion and let it go) or I could take the neccesary steps to have my things returned and then keep living life. The things I lost are not going to kill me. I will live without them. It is a disappointment to see the things I worked hard to by gone just like that, but I can always buy them again.
I guess this was more of a ranting of my questions and feelings, but hopefully it got across the message that things like this just arent worth holding on to. I have to consider my questions about who I am. Good night.
Im in a confused state. I say that now as an explanation as to why some of this might not make sense. You see, a rash of heart effecting events have taken place and I have somehow misplaced my sanity. Not that I am going crazy, just that I am not reacting in the proper ways. For instance, I have recently been the victim of theft, approximately $350 worth. I really don't care if the wrongdoer gets in trouble, as long as I have my items returned to me. I do not see any problems with this decision. Those around me however have managed to become more upset about the situation than I have, which makes me question whether or not I am a pushover. I don't think I am letting this guy get off the hook because he will somehow have to return to me the items or the monetary value of them. I have been told, however, that the police should have been involved immediately and he should be charged. I just want my stuff back, plain and simple. Maybe I just have to good a heart, if that is possible.
A great friend once said that holding on to anger is like burning down your house to kill a rat. In explanation, anger only destroys and effects you.
I had a choice.
I could have been angry with this guy (which I was in the moment but I dealt with the emotion and let it go) or I could take the neccesary steps to have my things returned and then keep living life. The things I lost are not going to kill me. I will live without them. It is a disappointment to see the things I worked hard to by gone just like that, but I can always buy them again.
I guess this was more of a ranting of my questions and feelings, but hopefully it got across the message that things like this just arent worth holding on to. I have to consider my questions about who I am. Good night.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Chasing after the moon
Do you ever get so overwhelmed you just want to run? Sometimes my mind goes and goes and doesn't want to stop. I think, alot, about practically everything that goes in my life. Often times Im reflecting on the way I interacted with others, and what was said to me.
This was the case several nights ago. I had so many people telling me so many things and I had to choose what was true and what was just blabber. 10 at night and I was still feeling down, knowing that I needed to just let words that were said go, because truth is not spoken all the time. Finally I decided that I had to go. I had to be in a different place then here, somewhere, anywhere. I put on sweat pants and a hoodie, grabbed my i-pod and cellular, and left. I didn't know where I was going, or when I'd be back but I went. Then I decided that while I was out I might as well get in some fitness to boost up the lack of self-confidence. If Im not right on the inside, at least I'll look good on the outside right? Wrong. I dont care what I look like. I mean ya I try to look presentable but if someone doesn't like the way I did my hair, to bad its just me. If I cared would that help the esteem? Probably not, because no matter how many times I'm told I'm cute, or pretty, or whatever, it just doesn't sink in til a person believes it on the inside.
So if the inside is what counts, why do so many ignore what their heart is saying? There are things, issues, hurts, emotions, hate, doubts, all these emotions that are building walls up around the heart and yet people think they can keep on living. How? I mean if I held on to every single thing that was said and done to me nobody would want to be around. So just let it go. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the grudges, all negativity. Just get over it because your only helping yourself to feel better.
I don't want to live my life in a negative world. We can't help what goes on around us, things like aids, famine, abuse, suicides...but we have entire control over the inside of us. Once your heart belongs to God, then you need to watch and keep it. Guard your heart when negative and untrue things are being spoken to you. People are going to try to bring you down, its life. Use their "suggestions" to build yourself. Take the emotions that it made you feel, (anger, hate, hurt, lower self-confidence, and many more) and put them into something. Write a song, a poem, do something with it. Don't hold on to it, get it out, then let it go.
Think about all the things you hold on to emotionally. If they were actually tangible objects, we would be carrying a very heavy load. All these things are jammed into one heart, our own. If its stuffed full of the bad, where will Jesus fit? Make room for God, He is the only one who can change your life. And whenever God is involved, its going to be greater, bigger, better.
I jogged. Far. Out to the country where no one could hear or see me. And I screamed. I screamed all the things I was holding on to. The pain. the breaking points, the times when the closest became the farthest. And I realized that sometimes things just aren't worth keeping in because God wants you to be keeping on. Grieve, mourn, laugh, cry, do whatever you need to do to get through it, then get over it and let it go. I did.
This was the case several nights ago. I had so many people telling me so many things and I had to choose what was true and what was just blabber. 10 at night and I was still feeling down, knowing that I needed to just let words that were said go, because truth is not spoken all the time. Finally I decided that I had to go. I had to be in a different place then here, somewhere, anywhere. I put on sweat pants and a hoodie, grabbed my i-pod and cellular, and left. I didn't know where I was going, or when I'd be back but I went. Then I decided that while I was out I might as well get in some fitness to boost up the lack of self-confidence. If Im not right on the inside, at least I'll look good on the outside right? Wrong. I dont care what I look like. I mean ya I try to look presentable but if someone doesn't like the way I did my hair, to bad its just me. If I cared would that help the esteem? Probably not, because no matter how many times I'm told I'm cute, or pretty, or whatever, it just doesn't sink in til a person believes it on the inside.
So if the inside is what counts, why do so many ignore what their heart is saying? There are things, issues, hurts, emotions, hate, doubts, all these emotions that are building walls up around the heart and yet people think they can keep on living. How? I mean if I held on to every single thing that was said and done to me nobody would want to be around. So just let it go. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the grudges, all negativity. Just get over it because your only helping yourself to feel better.
I don't want to live my life in a negative world. We can't help what goes on around us, things like aids, famine, abuse, suicides...but we have entire control over the inside of us. Once your heart belongs to God, then you need to watch and keep it. Guard your heart when negative and untrue things are being spoken to you. People are going to try to bring you down, its life. Use their "suggestions" to build yourself. Take the emotions that it made you feel, (anger, hate, hurt, lower self-confidence, and many more) and put them into something. Write a song, a poem, do something with it. Don't hold on to it, get it out, then let it go.
Think about all the things you hold on to emotionally. If they were actually tangible objects, we would be carrying a very heavy load. All these things are jammed into one heart, our own. If its stuffed full of the bad, where will Jesus fit? Make room for God, He is the only one who can change your life. And whenever God is involved, its going to be greater, bigger, better.
I jogged. Far. Out to the country where no one could hear or see me. And I screamed. I screamed all the things I was holding on to. The pain. the breaking points, the times when the closest became the farthest. And I realized that sometimes things just aren't worth keeping in because God wants you to be keeping on. Grieve, mourn, laugh, cry, do whatever you need to do to get through it, then get over it and let it go. I did.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Do you know where your heart is?
Let me just start off by saying AHHH!! Ok..now I feel better.
So much this week went on. I was definately put in check with my heart. It was pointed out to me so graciously that I might be doing the wrong things when it comes to boys. Yes..more boy trouble. This guy that I blogged about before decided to tell me he loves me on the way home from church. What did I say?? Not what he wanted to hear, I'll tell you that for sure. I could hear his fragile little heart cracking. "It's not the time for me, I need to focus on other things right now, we are on two different spirituality levels, I don't want a relationship, and you need to focus on other things like giving your life to Christ instead of looking for love from people"...only a few of the things I told him. In the end I know what I did was right because its true!! I think he understood though, because he later told me that he just wants to keep me as his closest friend rather than keep falling in love. So I guess thats that.
Secondly I realized that I have alot of issues on my own heart that I haven't been dealing with. It's funny because these issues were affecting my life in little ways but I wasn't even noticing. How easily we can lose sight of whats really happening inside of us. Most of these issues stem from a lack of self-confidence. I have a bit of soul searching to do. Ill keep you posted.
So much this week went on. I was definately put in check with my heart. It was pointed out to me so graciously that I might be doing the wrong things when it comes to boys. Yes..more boy trouble. This guy that I blogged about before decided to tell me he loves me on the way home from church. What did I say?? Not what he wanted to hear, I'll tell you that for sure. I could hear his fragile little heart cracking. "It's not the time for me, I need to focus on other things right now, we are on two different spirituality levels, I don't want a relationship, and you need to focus on other things like giving your life to Christ instead of looking for love from people"...only a few of the things I told him. In the end I know what I did was right because its true!! I think he understood though, because he later told me that he just wants to keep me as his closest friend rather than keep falling in love. So I guess thats that.
Secondly I realized that I have alot of issues on my own heart that I haven't been dealing with. It's funny because these issues were affecting my life in little ways but I wasn't even noticing. How easily we can lose sight of whats really happening inside of us. Most of these issues stem from a lack of self-confidence. I have a bit of soul searching to do. Ill keep you posted.
Monday, September 8, 2008
The band and its future
Yesterday.. being Sunday.. the band (Me, Scott, Pastor Jay, and Erin) met in Windsor to talk about what the hay was going on now that our phenomenal drummer (Jay Wood who we all miss) moved to Saskatchewan for bible college. We have a replacement drummer for now but hopefully Jay returns in the summer. Some of us weren't looking forward to the talk at all but we knew it had to be done. So to our surprise, the talk went exceptionally well. We are staying together, and we are all on the same page in regards to where we want to go, who we want to impact, what we want to do, and why we are doing it. I am so relieved because I want this to be a possible career option. Just to worship and spread the love of God across the world through our music. We have a few gig opportunities including an invite back to Delhi for Refuelfest '09 to open for Third Day! We also have an invite to play in London and Toronto. Im super excited!!!! Hope to see some familiar faces. And me and those merch girls need to get together and create some t-shirt designs that will sell.
Can I have a bit of act your age...with a dash of maturity?
So I have complete mixed emotions about youth this past friday. The worship was awesome and I'm excited for the things that our youth is going to start doing. That the good part.
At youth I am the oldest. That isn't really that big a deal, except everyone else is 16 or under. NO don't get me wrong, alot of the younger girls are the closest people to me. It's just that I felt like the maturity level went WAAAYYY down now that most of the older youth are gone back to college.
For example, we went back to the pastor's house after youth ended just to hang. We always play a game and this night the choice was Things In A Box. We had a blast, but when people are constantly bringing up things that 1. arent true and 2. just aren't funny, then other people start to get a little annoyed and hurt as well.
You know how sometimes you can try and try to get acceptance from someone but no matter what you do you feel like they are always rude to you. I definately felt like that on friday. And it's weird too because when I hang out with a friend one on one, they are a completely different person that when I hang out with the two of them together.
Now don't get me wrong, I still love these girls to pieces. I would just like a little respect every now and again. I'm not angry or holding anything against them either. They still mean a lot to me.
Anyways hopefully youth goes better next week.
At youth I am the oldest. That isn't really that big a deal, except everyone else is 16 or under. NO don't get me wrong, alot of the younger girls are the closest people to me. It's just that I felt like the maturity level went WAAAYYY down now that most of the older youth are gone back to college.
For example, we went back to the pastor's house after youth ended just to hang. We always play a game and this night the choice was Things In A Box. We had a blast, but when people are constantly bringing up things that 1. arent true and 2. just aren't funny, then other people start to get a little annoyed and hurt as well.
You know how sometimes you can try and try to get acceptance from someone but no matter what you do you feel like they are always rude to you. I definately felt like that on friday. And it's weird too because when I hang out with a friend one on one, they are a completely different person that when I hang out with the two of them together.
Now don't get me wrong, I still love these girls to pieces. I would just like a little respect every now and again. I'm not angry or holding anything against them either. They still mean a lot to me.
Anyways hopefully youth goes better next week.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lets talk about boys...oh no!
Have you ever had it where there was a guy who was a friend, and that was all you wanted to be was friends, but he wanted more? I kinda went through something like that a while ago but I told him that I didn't see us having a relationship because I'm a Christian and he isn't and I know thats wrong. So he decided he didn't want to hang out anymore because it would feel awkward for him. I continued to talk to him because I knew he needed spiritual help and I was the only Christian example for him. He would get angry with me and tell me that everything I believed in was a fake and I was an idiot for trusting in something so rediculous. Now I've experienced too many wonders in my life to even have a doubt that God doesn't exist, and nothing can rock me from that point. Recently he got in contact with me again and we started to hang out. Now some of my friends are worried that he is going to try to persue me again, but I honestly think that he just needs someone to help him and to talk to him. If I ever felt like he was trying to go after me then I would definately pull out and tell him that we can only talk, not hang out. I think he is sincere, but still some of my friends worry. Am I right in trusting him again? Should I be hanging out with him again or is there something I am missing? Please comment!!!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The last day of summer
So I have to say that the last day of summer totally rocked my socks off. I went to visit my best friend (who is practically like a sister) at the university of Windsor. I missed her soo bad!!! We had only been apart two weeks! But anyways, we hung out in her dorm for a bit, then watched her lead her building in a cheer competition (she is a residence assistant). Although they didn't place they still won in my heart! GO LAURIER!!!
Just spending a day with the one you love can bring back so many memories. We talked about things that happened in the summer and what was going on in both our lives. This girl never ceases to amaze me. She is such an inspiration and pushes me to go after my dreams, no matter how big. I can't wait until I get to see her again.
After visiting the university, I stopped in Tilbury and visited a friend from my old high school. It's amazing how much a person can grow and change in just one year. I ended getting home at like 10:30 and went to bed like immediately because school was the next day. I have to say I went to bed a happy camper.
Just spending a day with the one you love can bring back so many memories. We talked about things that happened in the summer and what was going on in both our lives. This girl never ceases to amaze me. She is such an inspiration and pushes me to go after my dreams, no matter how big. I can't wait until I get to see her again.
After visiting the university, I stopped in Tilbury and visited a friend from my old high school. It's amazing how much a person can grow and change in just one year. I ended getting home at like 10:30 and went to bed like immediately because school was the next day. I have to say I went to bed a happy camper.
The Getaway
So I spent five days with a friend and her family. I was amazed at how differently I can act around people. In just those five days I grew and learned so much about myself and my faith. This family definately inspires me to be a better person.
Sometimes when someone makes a joke, I actually start thinking about it. See, my friends sister got a new cell phone. I told her she needed to learn how to text with one hand so she could text in her pocket at work. Her mom gasped and told me that I was being a bad influence. She didn't offend me at all because it was true and I should have watched myself. Anyhow..she then said that I needed to live at their house for a year and go to school there so they could help me grow. I wasn't sure if she was serious or joking, but that was the end of it.
I am satisfied with my life at home. I mean, no one else is a Christian which sucks because I have no one to grow with. When my friends mom talked about living with her for a year I kinda laughed it off, but in all seriousness I would go. Just being with this family makes me sooo happy with life, and I am a better person. I have tried to live there before but it was under the wrong circumstances. I feel now that it would be right, if only they knew how serious I was. Maybe they are serious too, who knows, but if they offered it to me, I would pack up and go. I pray that they see my desire to change and God puts it on their heart to take me in. Until then I'll just keep trying to take what they have taught me and put it into action.
Sometimes when someone makes a joke, I actually start thinking about it. See, my friends sister got a new cell phone. I told her she needed to learn how to text with one hand so she could text in her pocket at work. Her mom gasped and told me that I was being a bad influence. She didn't offend me at all because it was true and I should have watched myself. Anyhow..she then said that I needed to live at their house for a year and go to school there so they could help me grow. I wasn't sure if she was serious or joking, but that was the end of it.
I am satisfied with my life at home. I mean, no one else is a Christian which sucks because I have no one to grow with. When my friends mom talked about living with her for a year I kinda laughed it off, but in all seriousness I would go. Just being with this family makes me sooo happy with life, and I am a better person. I have tried to live there before but it was under the wrong circumstances. I feel now that it would be right, if only they knew how serious I was. Maybe they are serious too, who knows, but if they offered it to me, I would pack up and go. I pray that they see my desire to change and God puts it on their heart to take me in. Until then I'll just keep trying to take what they have taught me and put it into action.
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